You know who never seems to have a problem speaking up? My cat. Hungry? Needs litter box changed? Has something on his mind? He will wander around the house meowing without a care in the world. Not even a spray from a water bottle can stop him. He is going to speak his mind. Over and over and over.
It’s something we so rarely are willing to do. I’m a go-with-the-flow kind of person most of the time. In my latest life as a stay at home mom this has truly taken on a whole new meaning. I left behind my life of managing and leading. Being the boss. Knowing the answers to questions and finding solutions. Figuring things out and writing processes and policies.
Now my day are spent deciphering the request of an excited toddler that’s talking too quickly. Figuring out why the baby is fussing. Hungry? Tired? Wants to climb up the stairs? Needs a different toy?
It’s a whole different world that has caused me to have to let go in a whole new way. It’s a world that’s not about me in the same way. I’m a believer in a healthy amount of selfishness so this can be troubling. I’m going to be honest enough to say something a lot of people don’t and I might get some flack for. I find it boring to sit on the floor and play with the baby all day. He’s the cutest sweetest little guy but for the love of God I need to be engaged too dude.
That’s one reason I prefer hanging with the toddler. I would much rather look at each rock and stick in his collection for the hundredth time than sit on the floor with a little dude that just wants to chew on toys.
Have I spoken up about any of this? Yeah but mostly just in a complaining way. Let’s face it, this is where I’m at right now. I made the decision to be here and here I am. With the Coronavirus pandemic happening, we’re not changing things up very much.
I did finally find the courage to tell my wife that some things weren’t working for me. For all of her awesomeness she has one trait that is hard on me. She legitimately is not bothered by a messy room. I have lamented to her time and again about how neat I kept my home when I lived alone. She always tells me that it’s just not something that’s important to her.
As the stress of being stuck inside started to pile up, I felt like I was churning inside. I had reached a point of anger and blame. Baskets of clean laundry in our bedroom and dining room where tormenting me. I had tried to ignore them. I had tried to leave them to see how long they sat. I had folded some of them and put things away or let the folded clothes sit. And sit they did. The only one it was bothering was me.
Finally it all came out in a cathartic conversation that had tears going on both sides. I finally spoke my mind and insisted that this is important to me and since we are partners it needs to be important to her. She heard me. She always does.
I can’t helping thinking though that it didn’t have to come to that.
I don’t want to be like the cat. The ever-meowing voice that is tuned out. That kind of nagging is ineffective.
I don’t want to be the one the bottles it up until I feel so much tension that I’m resentful and angry either. That sucks. It isn’t healthy for me or anyone around me because I’m always right in the edge of being triggered.
There’s a healthy middle. So many things in life need a level of patience and levity. Not everything is worth raising a hand about. There is a lot that has to be let go.
I am going forward focused on checking how it feels. When I let it go, does it feel like I let it pass? Or have I stuffed it down? The difference might be small but it is mighty. One of a true release and acceptance. The other is like packing gun powder down the barrel of a musket.
Today I vow to be a witness to these thoughts and to my feelings. I will listen to what my body is telling me as I move throughout my day. I deserve to. My family deserves that I do. The world deserves that I do. If each of us did this, how much better would our world be? How much more love would we be able to offer if we just spoke our truth instead of hiding it?