I was 8 or 9 years old. We had just finished watching an episode of the TV show 227. In it, the boy sings in the choir at church right along side all of the adults. We were very active at our church at the time so this really struck a chord with me. (Pun intended.) I proudly proclaimed to my parents that I too wanted to sing in the choir. It was already my favorite part of the service.
My parents were curious. They decided to sit me down at the kitchen counter and asked me to sing along to a cassette tape. I honestly don’t remember the song was. I was beaming with pride. This was my moment to show ‘em what I’ve got. I started belting out the words. My heart was on fire. I’d never felt more alive. When I was done my parents simply said something to the effect of “maybe not”.
Just like that, my flame went out. The two people I loved and trusted more than anything in the world told me my dream wasn’t going to happen. That I wasn’t a good enough singer. I was crushed.
I have been afraid to sing in front of people for most of my life since that day. I spent my entire adult life playing drums in various bands. I briefly conquered my fears at the age of 28 and played a few open mic nights and opened one show at a bar. I felt great and empowered.
Until while I was in the process of selling my house I briefly moved back in with my parents.
I had made a practice of playing guitar and singing as much as possible. I was writing all the time. So I would sit in my bedroom and play with the door closed. My mom told me one day that Dad said “It’s like living with Joan Baez”.
My parents had never really listened to much music around us and had never setup a record player at our house. I had never heard Joan Baez in my life. I was raised on country music then fell in love with NKOTB and then Guns N Roses. The late 60s folk missed my radar.
Maybe he meant it as a compliment. I’ll quit literally never know because they are both dead. I can tell you that over a decade since she told me that, I still don’t believe it was complimentary. Because in that moment, I was 8 years old again. In my mind I already knew what they thought of my singing, “maybe not”.
The moral of the story here is that literally anyone can kill your dreams, even the people that love you more than life itself.
When you’re a kid you don’t have the wherewithal to say “Screw you I’m doing it anyway” or “That’s just your opinion” or “Well maybe not yet, but I’m going to take some singing lessons”.
I guarantee you my mother and father went to their graves having no idea how much that moment affected me. Hell, I don’t think I truly realized the impact of it until I got the idea to tell this story.
I can see it woven throughout my life story. I can see it in how I react if my wife, who sang in a madrigal choir in her youth and can harmonize like it’s nobody’s business, makes a comment about my singing. I literally shut down. No matter how much fun was just happening, it ends immediately for me. The air gets sucked out of the room and once again my little flame goes out.
Dreams are sacred. One of the best things about being around kids is that they dream big. The number one thing I hope to do with my boys is not be a Dream Killer. I know that a lot of their dreams are going to sound silly or they’re going to sound way too big. So what! They’re not mine. I don’t know the potential and the drive that they might have to fulfill them.
Think of all the kids that wanted to go into space. Sure being an astronaut is super hard to do and very few people get to do it, but there are companies right now trying to figure out how to get commercial rockets into space. Commercial rockets! That means that one day you and I and all those kids might be able to buy a freaking ticket to space! Sign me up!
If I know anything about you, I know that you have dreams.
Maybe you’re living them. Maybe they’re buried deep inside you tucked away so no one can step on them anymore. I am asking you to bring them out into the light again.
Write them all down on a piece of paper. Not on your computer or phone, just pen to paper write them all down somewhere that you feel like they are safe. Don’t edit them. Don’t let your inner critic get started talking and editing. This is about getting those little sparks to start catching fire again.
Look at the list and see if there is one thing that really stands out.
What is one thing that you want to accomplish that would allow for the other ones to fall into place as well?
Circle it. Write that one down on another list and start writing down what it would feel like to live that dream. What does that moment look like? What does it feel like? What are you doing in that moment? Get as detailed as you can because visualization is important.
Now, below that write down what you think it will take to get to that point. Again, this is not the time for your inner critic to jump in. If you hear that voice chime in, you shush it and tell it to hang on a minute. Believe you me, it is going to make its way in at some point but not now damnit. This is your time.
Write down whatever you think needs to get done to land you in the moment of realizing your dream.
- What do you need to accomplish along the way to that goal?
- What are actions you need to take that will get you to that goal?
- What are the changes you need to make in your mindset to align with that version of yourself?
This is the work. You have to do the work to get you to your dream. You know that if you are going to the grocery store you have to take the journey there. You don’t even think about it. It’s automatic. You put your shoes on, grab your keys, and head out the door. Well grab your keys babe because you are going and a freaking journey!
Want to know what mine is? I want to sit under the oak trees at Oprah’s house while we film an episode of Super Soul Sunday. Just me and O hanging out, sipping from our Super Soul Sunday mugs, having a conversation. I found a photo online of two empty chairs from the set and it’s the background on my laptop right now. It’s there to motivate me every day to do the work that will eventually get me in those chairs. I can imagine so clearly in my mind what it will be like to be looking at those chairs. It’s sunny and warm, not hot though. I can feel the light breeze on my arms. I’ve decided that I’m going to wear a t shirt and jeans just like I do every day and slip on shoes so I can sit cross legged in my chair. My heart will be pounding with excitement. I’ll see Oprah just before she sits down and I’ll smile at her and she’ll smile back at me and then they’ll call “rolling”.