Fuck Being A Princess, I’m Gonna Be A Cowboy

Some girls grew up dreaming about being princesses. Having a prince or a shining knight sweep them off their feet and they would live happily ever after. That wasn’t me.

I was probably four years old. I know that because we were living in our family home in New Bern. Mom and Dad were listening to Willie Nelson sing “Mammas Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Cowboys”. Nothing sounded more romantic in the entire world than the cowboys that picked guitars and drove old trucks. I understood at a young age that being a doctor or a lawyer or such wasn’t what I wanted to be. I wanted to be a goddamn cowboy!

That couldn’t be right though… I was supposed to want to be in love with the cowboy. Not actually be the cowboy. That was what I was being told by everyone around me. Clearly I was saying it the wrong way.

Just like when I was six and I told them I wanted to cut my hair like He-Man. “No no not your beautiful hair.” Finally Mom relented and let me get a little bob. To her credit, I think I’m cuter with long hair too so ya know… maybe she was just looking out for me. She was cool like that.

I remember having a poster on my wall of these three perfectly sculpted men dressed as cowboys. I was in love with that image. Then the world around me told me to love pop music and I fell in love with New Kids on the Block. Jonathan Knight was my guy. He turned out to be the only actually gay one, though the guys in my life all talked about how they were all gay, but not in a kind way. So I guess that meant it was bad.

Then I found a new bunch of cowboys to love, Guns N Roses. The teeny bopper posters came down. It was all rock and roll now. That’s what Willie Nelson had been telling me! He didn’t mean actual cowboys. He meant musicians! That’s what I wanted to be. I was gonna be a musician!

I still have the first guitar my parents ever bought me. It’s sitting within arms reach of me right now. I found out a couple years ago that it used to belong to the guy who took over the my local music store. Dave Rhodes. He was my local guitar hero. Still is in a lot of ways because he’s one of the coolest humans I’ve ever met. That’s how I knew that incredible musicians didn’t have to be dysfunctional. They could be really kind thoughtful people.

That’s the cowboy I try to be ever single day of my life. And do you know who taught me that? boygenius. They did a cover of a little song written by Martie Maguire and Marcus Hummon called “Cowboy Take Me Away”. It wasn’t until I heard three women that I know are part of the LGTBQ community singing this song so simply that I was able to hear it in the most incredibly liberating way. I remember it stopping me in my tracks a few months ago when I stumbled across it. It wasn’t until tonight though that I really had it hit me. That’s where this whole story came from.

As I was listening to the song, I started to feel truth after truth after truth about myself opening up to me. All the romance I felt as a four year old is there in this story. I hear it now as a prayer. As a soul calling out its deepest truth. I can hear how clearly these women are resonating in harmony with each other. It’s fucking magic really. I mean what else do you like to call it? When Camille Faulkner’s violin part comes in… I mean… come on… magic. Then I let go. I let myself fall into the song. That’s when I really understood how powerful the words to that song are. With each line I could attach a different emotion and relate in a different way. That how and why so many people are able to resonate with it.

That is the power of authenticity in art.

So there you have it. As complete as I can make it, that it my entire epiphany this evening. Thanks for reading. Check out the song below from when Julien Baker, Phoebe Bridgers, and Lucy Dacus performed on KEXP as boygenius.

Love,
Sarah